


Unfathomable

by Trinidad



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, I am so sorry for this, M/M, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Sam, Suicidal Thoughts, but ive been thinking about this for a while, there are other characters going to be in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-10 20:58:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 67
Words: 5,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5600602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trinidad/pseuds/Trinidad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean went on a hunting trip, and he hasn't been back for a few weeks.</p><p>Dean goes missing like his dad did way back when and Sam keeps an online journal about his experiences trying to find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January 1, 2019

**Author's Note:**

> This story is going to be written like journal/diary entries in his computer. So they will not be extremely descriptive, some might only be 1 to 2 sentences long. And there will be typos and mistakes and odd grammar things because I believe when Sam is angsty and rushing, he cant type and the words a blurred to him. So watch out for that. As the story progresses they will become more apparent.
> 
> Honestly I thought of this idea like 2 hours ago and have an idea where i'm going with it but support will be greatly needed for this. So please leave comments on what you think and

Dean has been gone for 2 weeks and even Cas can't find him.

He left in a hurry, throwing clothes into his duffle bag at 3 am mumbling ‘this isn't what I do, this isn't me’ and when I asked what was wrong his head shot up like I had insulted...well..myself and gave me this look that I hadn't seen on his face in years. Since the whole Azazel fiasco.

His phone is shut off, he didn't take any of his hunting gear, and the impala is with me.

We haven't had a case in years, not since we got Adam back and decided to retire. We cleaned up Bobby's old house, got rid of all our demon hunting weapons and books: well really we locked them up in the bunker downstairs along with Bobby’s memories.

We made a **home**.

We quit, we started a new life. Adams chief of police at the Sioux Falls police station, Dean works at the local auto shop, hell I even finished college and published a book. I thought..I thought we were finally happy.

But no, he wakes me up at 3 in the fucking morning practically kicking his way in and out of every room, slamming drawers, doors, anything he could get his hands on.

I remember his lip was bleeding from how hard he kept biting at it, his hair was stuck up at odd angles like he had been pulling at it for hours. There were grease stains on his jeans, his shirt, up his arms and down his neck and oh gods his hands. HIS HANDS WOULDN'T STOP SHAkiNG! I saw him try and try and fucking _TRY_ to get them to stop shaking but they wouldn't!!

He didn't know I was watching, I walked up next to him but he didn't stop his movements. I don't think he saw me, hell I don't think he could even hear me at that point.

I watched him run around his room, grabbing things and shoving them in his bag and after a few rounds of that I got tired of it and grabbed his shoulders to stop him. He did, and he looked me in the eyes and oh gods I wish he hadn't.

The eyes I looked into weren't the eyes of the brother I lived with happily for 2 years. It was the brother me and him spent 2 years building walls around to make sure we never saw again.

They looked hardened, closed off, frantic, and most of all, _scared_. He was **scared**. I hadn't seen Dean that scared since Adam left for a year after we got him back.

I tried to convince him to tell me what's wrong but he just shook his head repeatedly, he didn't answer any of my following questions after that either. He just kept saying he needed to leave, so I begged and pleaded for him to at least stay so I could make us coffee.

Surprisingly he agreed but he decided to make the coffee. He told me to sit down and that he would take care of it, bad choice.

After a few minutes of the coffee brewing he brought 2 cups to the living room and sat down next to me. I figured I should just let him calm down a little bit, so we sat there sipping our cooling coffee in dead silence. And that's all I remember.

The next thing I knew, i’m waking up on the couch with a blanket over me and a note left under the coffee cup.

_“I’m sorry. I know what i’m doing is wrong but I need to do it. I’ll be back, I promise. Take care of Adam for me, don't tell Cas about this. Merry Christmas Sammy. -Dean”_

It's been 2 weeks and he's still not back and i'm not sure where to start looking. I guess I have no choice but to start from the beginning.

It looks like i'm going to Kansas.


	2. January 15, 2019

It been a month since Dean left. It's gotten colder, the nights seem longer, and Cas is..well..he's becoming more like a human. And honestly, it's _terrifying._

Even before Dean had left, Cas has always been just another human to us. Well of course a powerful human, but a human nonetheless. But now, he's he's it's like he's acting like Dean going missing is the end of the world to him.

It's like his emotions are amplified to the point where I can feel what he's feeling when he walks into the room like he's projecting them out for me to see.

He spends a lot of time on the computer, searching for any place Dean could have gone, any case that would attract Deans interest. But mostly all we have found are cases that are so small that even the most untrained hunters, fresh off the market could handle them. They were nothing that would case Dean to storm out of the house at 3 am muttering to himself.

For the first few days of our search in Kansas, we staked out in a hotel by my old house. ‘We’ being me and Cas, Adam had work that he ‘just couldn't get out of’, so we left without him. But not without a string of insults leading from him out to my car.

Cas and I sat down for 3 days writing down every possible place, every possible thing, and every possible person he would go to.

We crossed off about half the states, most of the foreign countries, because we were never one to travel that far plus Dean doesn't like planes. He was never fond of boats either.

We don't have many hunter friends left, if you could even call them that in the first place. As of lately there haven't been many ‘supernatural’ things going on so it's not like any of them have had any work to do to pique our interest.

Dean's never had many friends to begin with, so that trail of thought ended before it even began.

When we were finished listing out every possible thing, the list was shorter than expected and..we were sunk.

That night I drove to my old house. It never had any sentimental feeling to me but it was important to Dean and to my dad so I figured I’d give it a visit.

Jenny still lives there. She’s a kindergarten teacher now, her daughter is home from college for the holidays and her son is out of school as well. The kids surprisingly remembered me. She invited me in for coffee, I told her how me and Dean were doing and that we were on a road trip for ‘old times sake.’ She believed every word.

Turns out, her son Ritchie is young genius. He won his school's science fair and was placed in nationals. If he wins that he’ll have a full ride to any college he wants. Even if he doesn't win he would still have a full ride to some of the best colleges around.

She is very proud.

I left soon after I came, feeling drained more than ever.

We're still in Kansas but only until tomorrow, then we’re heading out to Illinois. Seems like there was a string of murders that occurred over the past 2 months that looks like something Dean would flock to.

I hope we find something there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kinda wanna make this story progress in the way Sams mind progresses further into depression, into the mind set of losing his brother. I want to show you how he feels that day through his writing, and I also want to show Cas' mind set too so as the story progresses I might add a journal entry from Cas. So please bear with me for the future.
> 
> Ill see you in the next chapter!


	3. February 3, 2019

It's 3 am and I just got back from an investigation down in Finchville, Kentucky. A shapeshifter played Russian roulette with a family of 12. The only ones left when I got there were the dad and his 2 sons, the rest were..dead. Just splayed out around the living room in various states of decay. It looked like this had been going on for a few days. I killed it just in time, saved those 3 and sent them to the hospital.

I don't think they are going to be getting out anytime soon.

It's been what, 1, almost 2 months since Dean left?

We still haven't gotten a lead since Illinois, which turned out to be a woman in white. Kinda brought back memories of the first time Dean and I encountered one years ago.

Anyways, when Cas and I got there, there were already a group of hunters on the case. So we just stayed around for a few days in case they needed back up.

They didn't.

After that case was done we decided to drive through Kentucky, see what we could find. Turns out Kentucky is loaded with supernatural activity. Poltergeist in Louisville, werewolves in Waddy, we even encountered a haunted doll that was sucking the life out of it's owners in Lexington! Kentucky man.

So for the past 2 weeks, we've been running around Kentucky doing these tiring jobs because well, someone has to do them.

But we’ve stayed here for too long, so I think we are going to pack up tomorrow and head out to a new place. It's Cas’ turn to pick this time. Wonder where he’ll take us.

I hope we find Dean there.


	4. February 10, 2019

He took us to Las Vegas, thought he sensed a little bit of Dean there. He was wrong. There wasn't even a case here, all we found were a string of regular murders that were solved before the news hit the papers. 

So much for this trip.

How does someone go unnoticed to angels? Cas was always able to track him, us before. But why now? What is different?


	5. February 27, 2019

We are in Maine now, and damn do I regret my decision. It's cold up here, very cold. But I found something so I guess it's not all bad. 

I came up here because there was a case of werewolves. Yeah, crazy right? But anyways, we met a guy who said he’d seen someone that looked like Dean pass by about a month ago. It's not much to go on, but at least it's something.

Cas hasn't looked this excited in weeks. I'm happy too, we’re getting somewhere. We’re getting close to finding him.


	6. March 21, 2019

Yeah it's been a while since I updated this but there wasn't much to tell. We stayed in Maine for 2 weeks, checking and rechecking anything that could have a trace of Dean. 

We didn't find much, only that he stayed for all of 3 days before he left. Seems he is driving an old blue pickup truck with the paint chiping. That's something to look for at least. 

After we left Maine we went to California, somewhere nice and warm and a big case of the boogeyman. He stole children at night and the next morning their family would be dead.

But, there was no sign of Dean. I figured a case that big would have at least piqued his interest, but it didn't.

I wonder if he has a partner with him, I wonder if he's eating well, I wonder if he's sleeping at all. I wonder if he's safe.


	7. March 27, 2019

Deans been gone for 3 months and his car still feels empty without him.

Adam called the other day asking how we were doing and if we heard anything from him yet. I told him we haven't, he told me all of Dean's phone numbers have been turned off, I told him I know.


	8. April 1, 2019

Today Castiel found a lead on Dean. He said he saw a news article from Washington that had Dean and a group of other people on the cover. He looked the same, same clothes, same tired expression, he grew his hair out a little bit and stopped shaving for the most part.

Castiel's face when he showed me was priceless. He looked like a kid on christmas and it made me just a bit happier.

Later that day I came back to the motel with a bag of food and found myself drenched in water from a bucket that fell from the door. “It's April Fools Day Sam,” Cas said smiling. Yeah, I guess it is.


	9. April 13, 2019

Washington is busy this time of year for some unknown reason, so it was quite difficult to make our way to the police station. When we got there, we showed that article with Dean’s face on it to a policeman and he told us that Dean had left just yesterday, he didn't know where he was going but he told us that he was helping them out on a now closed serial kidnappers case.

Apparently Dean had saved the kid right before the kidnapper could do anything to them. 

What is Dean doing? There was nothing supernatural about that case, well nothing that comes to mind. So what was Dean doing?


	10. April 30, 2019

After Washington, Castiel and I found ourselves in Indiana investigating some posessed household items. 

Dean is still MIA, but we’ll find him. We always do.


	11. May 22, 2019

Castiel found an injured dog on our way to Colorado. We ended up keeping her. Named her Susan, gave her a collar, a bath, and a permanent spot in the back seat.

Dean would be furious that we are breaking the ‘no dogs allowed in the car’ rule, but that's okay.


	12. May 23, 2019

you n woudl thginmk tgat giavubg a dig wiild be great but ut hyst fiicks sgut up it's eats all of our food and takes alot of work to care for and itis just riring caastoel like her and that is geat case i do too but i'm tired and i just want dean nit some stiuo di dig where her sould be cas is ok he is eatong more and drinking less and the dog is workign for hi,s and he's ok he's oka he's okauyu


	13. June 3, 2019

Deans been gone for half a year and we haven't had a lead since Washington and I don't know what to do right now. It's the summer and the car is getting that hot leather smell that always smelled like home to me but now it just smells like regret and loneliness. 

And dog.

I should have went with him, I should have asked more questions, I should have never drank that damned coffee, I should have woke up Adam or called Castiel but it was too late. 

I have to find him, I have to.


	14. June 7, 2019

We are in Alabama right now, there was a case of a windigo but the reports were false and we came up here for nothing.

Cas is getting restless so I decided to let him write in this journal, just to settle his nerves. Maybe letting out all of his pent up feelings will help him.

~~~

umim not sure what sam wants me to put here i've never done this before but he says to write about my feelings. but what feelings? toward susan? she is great a very nice dog toward dean missing? i'm guessing it's been rough but sam has always been able to find him sooner or later dean always comes back so i trust he will come back this time as well. itll all work out ok i am done


	15. June 30, 2019

Wisconsin is a very bad place to be at the moment. It is quiet and chilly and just downright creepy. The locals won't come out of there homes, or it's like nobody is home entirely. We came up here on a whim, but it looks like we're staying until we can figure this thing out.


	16. July 2, 2019

I'm not sure what i'm doing right now but this just feels like I have to do it, like it is second nature now. What day is it anyways? What is my name? Who is that guy rocking in the corner? Is that my dog? I've read through the past entries and I guess i'm looking for someone named Dean? And by the looks of it, the guy in the corner is Castiel and that dog is mine. I'm not sure. Who is Adam? What time is it? I have to go..


	17. July 11, 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the comment reminding me to update. Thanks.

We made it out, i'm not sure how but we made it out out madeit out. I'm not surewhat exactly happend but we got out and we are good good good gooodp


	18. July 30, 2019

I'm not sure what has happened this past month, It's all a blur and the past journal entries only gave me the idea that we were somewhere that messed with our memories. Cas remembered even less than me. I've got 26 missed calls from Adam, 13 voicemails and 6 texts from Garth.

~~  
i don't understand what happened but neither does sam so that makes me feel a little better wheres dean and why can't i remember..


	19. August 19, 2019

it is noe abiut ine in tge morninngg abd i gavent seeb cas all dauy nad im beginnnnoing to wory that he left me just like dean did and tomhrrow we are goig to go ge t afam cause he saids he asked for tike off to hel us search adnd that is goof nut i am tired and i can't feel mu fingers and myu head hurts and ineef dean i need dean ineed daen 

~~  
i came back and i found sam unconscious on the table and it looks like he wrote something unintelligible and that would probably be hazardous to this technical journal so i have decided to be his translator. 

‘it is now about one in the morning and i haven't seen cas all day and i am beginning to worry that he left me just like dean did though i was out searching for a lead i would never leave sam i would never we are family and tomorrow we are going to go get adam cause he said he asked for time off to help us search which is going to be very helpful a third person helping is good we also have garth and susan to help and that is good but i am tired and i can't feel my fingers it is probably because of the alcohol in his system and my head hurts also the alcohol and i need dean i need dean i need dean that is true he needs dean we all need dean.


	20. August 22, 2019

We have Adam helping us search now, he asked for at least a month off although the police department said to take all the time he needs. Which is really helpful because we are going to need all the help we can get.


	21. October 1, 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about this lol, my computer was fucking up and deleted all my shit I don't have internet at my house right now but whomever is still reading this enjoy!!

I've always hated October, it always reminded me of the things that i hate. It reminds me why my mother is dead, why my father is dead, why Bobby is dead, why Kevin is dead, why Jess is dead, why I couldn't finish college the first time, why I grew up confused and angry, why my brothers boyfriend is an angel and sometimes cries himself to sleep at night even though he thinks i can't hear him, why my brother is missing and why I hate myself.

I really hate October.


	22. November 3, 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aye double chapters

yeah sorry i didn't update in a month, i couldn't find it in myself to. still no signs of dean, but we’re getting close. i can feel it.


	23. November 14, 2019

Adam had to go back to work, though I don't understand why. Nothing matters anymore, his job is more important to him than finding his brother. Who needs him anyways. Selfish bastard.  
~~  
um sam might not be writing entries for a while because he broke him hand punching a wall which was really idiotic of him so i will be taking over for a while as for his request.


	24. November 26, 2019

We saw some video footage of dean a few days ago in a montana diner so we are going to head there now. sams hand remains broken probably due to the fact that he bangs it profusely whenever he gets strong bouts of anger and that is not good for the healing process nor for poor susans heart.


	25. November 30, 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to give you guys 5 /fucking updates/ cause idk when ill be able to update again and you deserve this so again, enjoy

we didn't catch him on time so we are changing tactics we are going to go to every diner in the us until we find some way to track him he headed west the waitress at the dinner said so we are going to do the same.


	26. December 2, 2019

He wasn't there.


	27. February 3, 2020

The diner hunt is the best thing we've done in months, he's been to every diner we have visited and the workers point us in the direction he left in and we've found security camera footage of him around the towns but he isn't using any of his old credit cards so that line is a bust but we’re close, we’re so close!


	28. May 6, 2020

we havet has a case in moths nd the leasds have all gone copld and aadam sropped cxalling and farh said he donst think we sould look anymhore casue itis been over aa yea5r nad we still cant dind him so we sjould let i'm find us 0jsteas nut i don't want that i don't want that


	29. May 7, 2020

Someone tried to call me yesterday, the number was unknown and they didn't leave a voicemail and the the location was in Vermont.


	30. May 16, 2020

We found Deans ride in Vermont. It was wrecked on the highway into town, the drivers side windshield was blown out and the passengers side door was smashed in and there was so much blood but no signs of Dean and the hospitals were empty and nobody seems to know what happened to the passengers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy another 5 chapters for you, sorry bout the wait:D


	31. May 27, 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy, get ready for another 5 chapters!!

Whoever called me from that number knew something, and I need to find out what.


	32. September 31, 2020

Just got off the phone with Garth, he said he left us a gift in New York. Wonder what it is.


	33. October 4, 2020

Garth's present turned out to be a pack of vampires that made a deal with Dean not to long ago to keep him under the radar. I just want to find Dean and end this goose chase.


	34. October 31, 2020

sam has been passed out for a few days and his temperature is very high we are going to go stay with garth for a while i am worried about sams health and my own


	35. November 6, 2020

sam is back on his feet but he is very pale and i am doing the best i can to get him back up to full health

also i called adam to come and pick up the impala it doesn't look like we are going to be needing it for a while


	36. November 27, 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ヽ(*ﾟｰﾟ*)ﾉ

garth has been gone for 2 days on a job and sam won't get out of bed susan won't leave his side


	37. November 30, 2020

sam won't eat, he is very skinny and i am worried his declining health is going to affect our search for dean


	38. December 25, 2020

garth and i just checked sam out of the hospital he looks good and says he feels good and i am very happy to see him healthy again and so is garth susan as well looked especially happy to have sam back


	39. December 31, 2020

So, yeah..I guess I haven't been myself for these past 2 months. Deans absent really got to me and I guess I broke down. But I am better now and I decided to take Garths advice and let Dean find us on his own time. I hope it is soon.


	40. January 9, 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of this 5 posts, I'll see you next time. If there's anyone still reading this thing??? Hey please comment if you're still reading, I'd like to know if I should keep this going or not (ノ^o^)ノ

Cas decided to go on his own for a little while, said he couldn't just sit around and wait for Dean to find us he needed to find him now. He was gone before I got a word in


	41. February 26, 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys ready for the next 5 chapters?

It feels nice to hunt again, I almost missed the feeling.  
Cas still isn't back but me and Garth and Susan are doing good, Susan loves hunting. We still haven't heard from Adam.


	42. March 12, 2021

Cas is back, said he looked and looked and looked everywhere until he was tired and decided to come home. Though I don't think his home is with Garth, me and Susan in Garths old car with hamburger wrappers in the back seat. I think his home is somewhere with leather seats and AC/DC playing and the smell of sandalwood and grime and green eyes and morning breath that smells of stale beer. He knows that I know that but I didn't say anything because that is my home too.


	43. April 6, 2021

Garth found a lead on Dean a few towns over, but get this, the cops said he was helping them track down a serial killer in the area. Now we obviously looked into it, asked questions, even went up to the police station adn interview the victums family. We found nothing out of ordinary. No emf’s, no sulfur, nothing to sugjest that it was anything supernatural. So that only leaves one question on the table; What is Dean doing?


	44. May 20, 2021

We never figured out what Dean was doing, nor did we find another lead on him. We’re heading to Nevada on a job in an hour, Cas hasent shaved in days.


	45. June 16, 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're close to the end guys!!

It's really hjot here and i could go for a swim if it wsnt reaining and 4 in the mornig plis i hot to amke sire cas doesmt vomit in his sleep and die tahtat wol;d ne bad bery bad and dean woiuld kill me if i killed sam kill me id i killed cas kill me kill me kill meea


	46. July 18, 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the lovely comments, they really keep me going!! Anyways here's the next 5 chapters!!! Do enjoy “ψ(｀∇´)ψ

Susan broke her leg this morning on a hunt, Cas of course fixed it right away but Susan has kept her distance from him since. I think shes a little afraid of what he is, or, well, used to be I guess. He hasent acted like an angel in a while and I don't know when he will again


	47. August 7, 2021

I dreamt of Jess last night. Funny, experiencing an old pain to make me forget a current pain.  
It didn't work, though, I might have to have cas heal my vocal cords when he wakes up


	48. September 23, 2021

It's getting cold again.  
I'm really starting to miss the Impala.


	49. October 2, 2021

I really hate October.


	50. November 26, 2021

Garth invited a bunch of hunters, old and new to his Thanksgiving dinner today. Everyone is very happy and cheerful and I can't go 2 seconds without hearing ‘i'm sorry for what happened to your brother’ or ‘i'm sorry about your brother, he was a good man’ as if I didn't already know that he was a good man, he was my brother for pete sakes. I grew up with him, I know how great he was!!   
Is. I know how great he is.   
Cas hasent been home all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this at the beginning of this year and I am determined to finish it by the end, thank you guys for sticking with me!!


	51. November 27, 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were in the finial stretch!! Only 17 chapters to go!!

it's probabu;u 4 in the nirnng right niw id odnt know i lost my ohine a few hours ago and i can't see fery wwell eight now but cas just go hime and he was covered in bkood snd he looked like he hasnt sleot i ndays which he hasnt but still so i out him in the bath and he's been in there eevery since and all of farths freoieends went hoikme forever aho and now ir is quiet and i don't like it


	52. December 25, 2021

Merry Christmas Dean, wherever you are.


	53. January 31, 2022

I don't think Cas meant to overdose on pills last night, I just think he wanted to sleep the day away and ended up taking too many. He didn't mean to try and kill himself and leave me alone to look for my brother, he didn't mean that at all.

I don't think Cas can last much longer.


	54. February 6, 2022

Cas left again and I don't think he's going to come back this time.


	55. April 8, 2022

Susan got hit by a car today and I don't have Cas here to bring her back. Garth barried her out back and I don't think I want to be alive anymore.


	56. June 22, 2022

I left Garth's last night. I don't think I can stay with him any longer, it's kinda driving me insane.


	57. August 10, 2022

Adam hasent been home in a week, said he's working a job in the next town over. It's so quiet here without him. So quiet.


	58. October 11, 2022

I don't care anymore


	59. December 27, 2022

It's been, what, 4 years since Dean left? I should feel okay right? Cause you know what they say, time heals all wounds, right?  
Well they’re wrong. TIme doesn't heal wounds, it just makes them barable and I can tell you that the pain I felt the day Dean left still hurts as much as it did now. So don't fucking tell me that time heals all wounds when my wounds are timeless and I am running out of time. I'm running out of time i'm running out of time time time


	60. January 24, 2023

It's Deans birthday, I wonder who he's spending it with.


	61. March 24, 2023

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Okay so get ready for the 7 days of Hell because I will be posting one chapter a day until this fic is finished. Last chapter will be posted on Christmas. Have fun!

Adam moved out.   Said he didn't want to live in a house filled with death.    
What death?  I'm right here, I haven't moved in months and Dean isn't dead...right?


	62. May 26, 2023

When was the last time I payed bills?  When was the last time I took a shower?  Is there only beer in this house or is that all we ever bought to drink?


	63. June 1, 2023

They turned off the water today, the electric was cut off last week and I am down to one beer.


	64. June 29, 2023

They took the house today and everything in it.


	65. July 27, 2023

i think i mdieing cause i keeo seeing dean everyhwere i fo and hte onky reason why that woul  d happen is if i was dead cause tey h say you fo to your happoest memories hwhen uou die and mu jappoest memories were all with dean


	66. September 23, 2023

The house goes up for sale today.  
I stopped paying bills months ago so they took it away from me.  I've been living in the Impala ever since.  
Everything is gone.  I saw them pack out everything that ever meant anything to me or Dean or Bobby.  I saw them take out Deans guns, and his tool boxes that were scattered all over the house.  I saw them throw out the old couches that were littered with beer and blood stains from years and years of use, saw them fold up our clothes and bed sheets, probably to be sold later on that day.  I saw them smash our picture frames in garbage cans, but that's ok, I have the only picture that ever mattered anyways.  Its the one of mom, dad, Dean and me,  Taken about a month before the fire.  Dean was 5 and I wasn't even a year old yet.  
Dean lived 5 years without me in his life, and now I have lived 5 years without him in mine.  
How did he do it?


	67. Decemeber 19, 2023

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merry crisis everybody!!

I'm in Kansas for the last time, parked in the cemetery where we buried mom.    
It's been 5 years since Dean went missing and I am so so so tired.  Sleep doesn't come easy, or at all anymore.  I don't remember the last time I ate and I think I am well past the state I was when Cas and Garth emitted me into the hospital a few years ago.  
I haven't heard from Cas since he left and i've ignored each and every call Garth has made.  Adam hasent once tried to contact me since he moved out either.  
The house was sold to a family of hunters, the regular kind.  The ones that kill deer to have their heads mounted over our old fire place.  I don't know why but those types of hunters always disgusted me, yeah sure I killed monsters for a living but I never mounted their heads in my living room to look at everyday.  
It's almost 3 a.m. and the tempurature is dropping quickly so I have to get these words in quick.   
Dean if you find this somehow, I just want you to know that I didn't stop looking for you this time.  I've looked each and every day that I could, even when Garth told me to give it a break and wait for you to find us I still looked.    
If you find this, I want you to find Cas and give him a big kiss for me because he was a very big help looking for you, even if it didn't seam like it.    
I want you to give Adam a punch for me for not helping at the start but then give him a pat on the back for at least trying.    
I want you to give Garth a very big hug becuase I know he is going to need it, plus he deserves it for what we've put him through.  
And lastly, I want you to give yourself a hug for me because I know you will blame youself for what i'm about to do, but I just want you to know that this wasent your fault.  None of it was.  This was just something that was going to happen sooner or later and I am just really tired right now.  
So I want you to know that I love you and I hope I find you in my next life and maybe this time we could have a better go at it.

I've got my guns in the front seat and I can see moms tombstone outside my window.  
Goodbye Dean.


End file.
